It was brought to my attention that one of our brothers — a kindred spirit in the blogosphere — posted a list of 50 reasons why, basically, Florida ruled and Tennessee drooled.

Oh, no you di’ - int. I’m ’bout to ack a fool up in here.

So, while these are assuredly not as funny as the entries on EDSBS, Third Saturday will offer its 30 reasons why Tennessee pimps and Florida limps.

30. Our ladies can drink corn liquor straight from a jar. Judging by all the woman wings flapping under your gals’ arms, your ladies funnel Guinness.

29. Neyland Stadium overlooks a beautiful river with pristine mountains in the background. Florida Field looks up at ground level.

28. You guys cut your blue jeans off at the knees and wear them to the games. We not only wear jeans, we cover ourselves in blue jeans and loop them around our shoulders into clasps. We call these “overalls.” Most of the time, that’s all we have on.

27. We have this thing called “tradition,” meaning we won games before the 1970s. Look into it.

26. Our history of music comes from deep in the mountains with beautiful melodies of banjos, mandolins and violins, the precursors to bluegrass and country music. Also, we have Memphis Blues. Heard of ‘em? Y’all have boy bands such as the Backstreet Boys and O-town.

25. We INVENTED the one-game suspension.

24. Tennesseans are proud of their heritage, unapologetically proclaiming where they’re from and going to road games in droves. Florida folks say things like, “You’re not in the South anymore,” and pull for teams like the New York Yankees.

23. We don’t have the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

22. If we get behind late in games and Fulmer gets pissed enough, we have a coach that can literally waddle from one sideline to the other, stand in front of your coach and devour him whole. Herban Meyer looks like he skipped pregame meal.

21. The highest office in the United States has been occupied by three Tennesseans: 1.) Andrew Jackson: The meanest SOB to ever be President. They named a tree after him. 2.) Andrew Johnson, who gave us Alaska so we can be thankful for where we live, wherever we live. And 3.) James K. Polk, who, well, um … was the President. Thanks to you guys not knowing how to fill out a ballot, we had to deal with eight years of Bush.

20. We have the Great Smoky Mountains, a vacation destination for millions every year and one known for its immaculate beauty. You guys have the Everglades, with renegade swamp rats with power boats and machine guns ready to kill anybody who threatens their alligator-infested hole of an existence.

19. Two words, one initial: Samuel L. Jackson. Any questions…? Didn’t think so.

18. Crickets and cicadas from our acres and acres of wooded land sing us to sleep. Mosquitoes the size of Mazdas in your state make sitting outside after dark intolerable.

17. In Florida, if you speak a different language, you’re known as “cultural.” In Tennessee, if you speak a different language, you’re building our house.

16. Three more words: Jim Bob Cooter.

15. Tennessee fans have perfected the “modified mullet,” it’s an understated look that sometimes can be permed and/or sprayed and look different every time you go out. With Gators, if the hair don’t reach the jorts, “I’m still growing it out.”

14. Yeah, yeah, Florida gave us Outback, but the cuisine is native Australian. That counts? Tennessee gave you Cracker Barrel. ‘Nuff said.

13. We never had a starting quarterback primp for a female reality TV show.

12. Tennessee gave America Lloyd Carr. Without Tennessee, Michigan would not be the laughingstock of the nation right now. And isn’t it always fun to poke fun at Big Ten Schools?

11. Tennessee never hired Ron Zook as head coach.

10. During the games, we use our arms to do important things such as flip off the opposing team or thrust it into the air during the “Wooooo!” in Rocky Top. Y’all use yours to look like an reptile on Ritalin. Then, there’s that uncomfortable male touching known as, “We Are the Boys of Old Florida.”

9. Though I myself don’t partake, Jack Daniels and George Dickel both came from our state. You guys drink girly Coronas.

8. Back to jorts. When Tennessee fans wear them, they’re out of financial necessity. Florida fans wear them as fashion statements.

7. Florida great Emmitt Smith may be the most productive running back on the field in the history of the NFL. Tennessee’s Travis Henry is the most productive. Period. Nine kids by nine different women erases all doubt. And he fled Florida.

6. Up and down your coasts, there are thousands and thousands of flotation devices every day. We have Dolly Parton.

5. Our redneck hell of trinkets and ornate tackiness is relegated to a two-mile stretch of hideaway land called “Gatlinburg.” Your entire state is a souvenir shop.

4. People in Tennessee are called “residents.” In Florida? They’re “tourists.”

3. We can see seven states from Rock City in Chattanooga. In Florida you can see 70-year-old men in Speedos.

2. In Florida, “spread option” means keep, pitch or pass. In Tennessee, “spread option” means we got chicken, taters, rolls, steak, green beans, peas, okry, squash, corn, pintos, turnip greens …

1. Next week, we’re still going to have a shot at the SEC CHAMPIONSHIP! And you’ll be wondering why Tebow didn’t go to seminary. Let’s break out the old-school logo and get back to old school Vols football.

There, that’s better.

Ghost of Neyland

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