“I SED IT’S GREAT. TO BE. AN EX-UT VOL”

Ambassadors? We don’t need no stinking ambassadors!

Ah yes. While the level of brushes with the UT Police Department has curbed considerably downward in the past two years and the handcuff-watch in Gainesville has heated up, we tend to forget that the Vols have had their fair share of turds on campus over the past decade.

Lest, we forgot, we have been reminded with two separate — yet equally embarrassing — incidents over the past 18 hours by two former UT running backs.

First of all, while watching the Kentucky-South Carolina “football game” with buddies at a local restaurant last night, we became aware of Denver Broncos and former Vols running back Travis Henry violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy — again — and getting suspended for one year. Simultaneously, Tennessee Titans fans rejoiced at the severing of ties and we pulled out our cell phones to attempt to pick up Selvin Young in our respective fantasy leagues.

The original LaMarcus Toker

Young already had been taken in my league which hurt. But it didn’t hurt nearly as badly as seeing a guy who helped lead UT to the 1998 national championship proving again how stupid he is.

First, he fails a drug test. Then another. Then, we learn early this year that he’s more productive off the field than on it — nine children by nine different women — and now this. It’s shameful.

That was bad enough. Now, we find out former NY Jets and Vols running back Cedric Houston was arrested and charged with simple assault after he allegedly held down a man while two others beat him outside of a Knoxville bar early Friday morning.

Houston never showed that much fight as a Vol

In the same story, there is also mention of UT point guard Ramar Smith’s incident where he wrecked teammate Wayne Chism’s car. There was an alcohol container in there, but the UTPD chief said he can’t determine if anyone was under the influence, so that may slide under the rug. Innocent until proven guilty, right?

Well, Henry and Houston are guilty. They’re guilty of being dumb, and they’re guilty of breaking the law. It’s a shame. As much as things have turned around for the better with the current Vols’ disciplinary issues, it’d sure be nice to see the alumni follow suit.

Ghost of Neyland

Q: What do these four things have in common?

Jackson Browne

A: They’re all pretenders.

That said, Andre Woodson is still a stud.

Ghost of Neyland

Weekend Preview 6.3

Georgia @ Tennessee

Viewer Rating (1-5): 4* This is not the marquee game of the conference slate this weekend, and the Vols haven’t been involved in one of those later than the Florida tilt in a long time. Still, with Florida facing the formidable task of playing in Death Valley, the SEC East ramifications are prevalent and the build-up palpable. Too bad for the Vols, this man isn’t around …

What you should watch: The Neyland Stadium crowd reactions. As my tongue-in-cheek post about Demetrice Morley proved yesterday, it’s trigger-finger time for the Vol Nation, and this lava kettle could runneth over this weekend with a loss to a heated and hated rival. Especially if there is a momentum-swinging play like Jabari Davis’s goal-line, first half-closing fumble in 2003 that went from a potential 14-13 Vols lead to a Sean Jones 100-yard touchdown return and a 41-14 embarrassment. It also led to one of the most horrifying and classic fan reactions ever, thanks to these two:

And to think, these were still the GOOD times

As is the case with every big SEC game, the subplots are every bit as intriguing as the actual game. Despite all the negativity surrounding Phillip Fulmer, he is 4-1 in his past five East games, while the former anointed one Mark Richt is 0-5. But Richt is 23-3 in his past 26 road games, and he has two dangerous weapons in Vol-killer Thomas Brown and human battery-charger Knowshon Moreno (one of my personal man-crushes … hey, I’m confident in my sexuality) Also, Kregg Lumpkin — the best high school running back I’ve ever seen in person — should return to provide a three-headed UGA monster.

Kregg and Julio Jones go to the same hair-dresser

Also, watch the UT special teams. The Vols are dead last in the country allowing 28.8 punt return yards per game (and it would be worse if not for Brandon James’s muff in Florida). Coupled with Mikey Henderson’s electricity, UT is already down 7-0 if it don’t kick out of bounds. Digging a hole like at Florida would spell disaster, even at home.

Who you should watch: Brent Vinson will be on an island all night. The kid’s uber-talented, but he hasn’t lined up against SEC wide receivers yet. Georgia’s wideouts are also impressive but haven’t lived up to expectations yet. I expect the Vols to load up to stop the run and make Matt Stafford beat them. If that’s the case, UGA will enjoy man-coverage with Vinson, who’s practiced roughly a month as a true freshman corner. The thoughts of this make me shudder, but Vinson’s sheer athletic ability could make him OK. Speaking of Stafford, another Georgia quarterback got his signature win against UT in 2001. He’s been up-and-down, but beating the Vols in Neyland — even a down UT team — could take Stafford’s career from Pabst Blue Ribbon to Killian’s Red.

As for the Vols, LaMarcus Coker deserves at least 20 touches per game. UT could rotate four backs since Montario Hardesty returns this week, but there is no need for the rotation. If Coker gets in a groove, he could be the Vols’ missing link. Hardesty’s return helps in a place that’s been terrible for UT this year — third-and-short situations.

Who will win: By kickoff, this is going to essentially be a pick-em game, and in recent history, the road team has won more often than not. This is the most important game of Fulmer’s chances to stay on as head coach, but the Vols have a knack for falling flat in big games lately. Neyland is no longer the formidable place it once was. Georgia has holes — many holes — but I expect the Dawgs to come together and beat Tennessee.

Actually, I’m lying. I think UT is going to win, but I swore after the UF game that I wouldn’t pick the Vols in a big game till they showed me something, and that hasn’t happened yet.

Plus, we still have these guys

This is courtesy of our buddies at outermonvolia.com … seriously some of the funniest UT stuff ever.

Against the spread: Stay away from this game altogether. The Vols are talented enough to turn the season around, beginning this week. Their coaching (and general lack of a defense) seems to be the biggest obstacle in their way of doing that. UGA has the coaching, but the Dawgs have struggled lately in big games, too. Plus, both teams are very, very young. But the bottom line is this: If I wasn’t a Vols fan, I’d pick UGA.

Ghost of Neyland

Weekend Preview 6.2

Houston @ Alabama

Viewer Rating: (1-5) 1*, maybe 2*. Since it’s only on pay-per-view (maybe ESPN gamplan too, not sure), and it’s an early afternoon kickoff, you’re gonna be watching Florida-LSU anyway.

What to Watch: Admittedly I don’t know that much about the Houston Cougers, except for the fact that their mascot let a duck take him to the woodshed. Maybe he should read up on how REAL cougars go after their prey. I think Houston should switch ‘cougar’ mascots. What would be more frightening, a guy with an enlarged cougar/wildcat/any other wild North American feline head or a bunch of fake-baked 40-year-old chicks hunting for young meat? But seriously, I look for BAMA to keep the ball on the ground to try and work out the kinks of the running game, and to limit the number of possessions for Houston’s balanced offensive attack.

Who to Watch: Bama’s offensive line to see if they can dominate the line of scrimmage against a lesser opponent. The big fellas up front should be able to open up holes for running backs Grant, Coffee, and Upchurch. If the running game does get going, but JPW continues to struggle, will we see McElroy? Also watch whichever cornerback lines up opposite of Simeon Castille, cause if history is any indication, then either Lionel Mitchell or Marquis Johnson will see plenty of balls thrown their way.

What Not to Watch this Weekend

Here we are, up in our ivory towers, recommending game after game for you to watch this weekend. We know you love college football. You probably know more about the “games of the week” than we do. But do you know which games to avoid like Red Death?

Do Not Watch the Following Games

Utah @ Louisville (Friday 7pm Central ESPN)

High school football folks. Check it out. It is Friday night, after all, and as long as your area of the country contains more than fast food fed white folks, you should be able to see quite a bit of athleticism at your average HS game. Kids are bigger, stronger, and faster these days. They deserve your support. Besides, Louisville is overrated and we can’t name one single player on the Ute’s roster. Might as well watch some future Div. 1 terror light up a 135 lb. freshman…..ohhhhhhhhhh yeah.

Minn @ Indiana (11:oo am central Big Ten Network), Northwestern @ MSU (11:00 am central Big Ten Network), Eastern Michigan @ Michigan (11:00 am central Big Ten Network)

 How about this……….avoid the Big Ten Network altogether. Since ESPN and ABC have hoped into bed with that horrid conference any Big Ten game that even 1 person cares about will end up on national TV. The games this weekend that 1 person (allegedly) cares about? Iowa @ PSU and OSU @ Purdue. Pardon me while I gouge my eyes out.

Excues the rant, for a minute, but the Big Ten is a joke and putting games like that on the national TV is further proof. It’s a conference with maybe 2 decent teams and way to many white people. (There, I said it.) Listen, I love white people, so nothing against them at all, but I could call 10 of my closest buddies and put the same amount of athleticism on the field as Northwestern or Indiana. If you want to see what real football looks like (those of you north of the Mason-Dixon line) tune into UGA @ UT or UF @ LSU.

Central Michigan @ Ball State (11:00 am central ESPN plus………is the even a real channel??!?!)

If you do have ESPN plus and you know where it’s at on your cable or satellite system then you might want to have a look outside. It’s nice out there……….promise. Kind of cool this time of year, always a nice breeze blowing. Maybe you could call some friends? Toss the football around? Dig a hole to China? Run into traffic with scissors after a full meal? Talk to your wife?

Cincy @ Rutgers (7 pm central ESPN 2)

 Ah. The battle of two teams who shouldn’t be ranked. I love those matchups. Either one of those teams would consider it a monumental win to beat my beloved Crimson Tide who is the 6th best team in the SEC at the best you can do. I wish they would make teams from the CUSA and Big East (Outside of USF and WVU) ineligible for the AP poll. I am not even sure Cincy could win the 1 AA tournament.

Boomtown Madman