Well, way back before the season started, we at 3SIB sat down with the coaches, and the results were a roaring success and some very telling answers about the season — sort of.

So, even after Alabama’s dismantling of Tennessee a couple weeks ago, the Ghost proceeded with the plans I’d had earlier in the season about catching up with all the SEC coaches at midseason.

Though we’re a little past the midway point, this was the only time 3SIB could fly all of the coaches to our super secret hideaway headquarters off Butter and Eggs Road in Lickskillet, Alabama. We got them here last night, and we appreciate all of them being able to take a few minutes out of their valuable time to discuss the season.

We even brought back LSU coach Les Miles after his foul mouth got him booted from our booth at SEC Media Days during the preseason.

This time, we’re going to change it up some. The round table format worked early in the season, but we thought it would be best after the plane ride over here and all the fights that broke out if the Ghost sat down with each individual coach and asked him four questions about the season thus far. The first coach on our list alphabetically is, sigh, Nick Saban.

Alabama coach Nick Saban

I’m Nick. I love long walks in the park, baby kittens and murder

Saban: I don’t have all day, aight. Got another team to beat, fans to please, a process to continue.

3SIB: Speaking of that process, where do you feel your team is in it?

Saban: Well, Major ain’t peein’ his pants anymore, aight? So that’s good. Called a pretty durn good game two weeks ago against girls. And we told John Parker we’d let him play with the ball of yarn if he threw for 300 yards. That ball of yarn is like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for him, and that’s what I’m telling our guys all the time. Metaphorically speaking, our yarn, er, goals at the end of the rainbow will happen if we just keep focusing on the rainbow.”

3SIB: What does that even mean? Nevermind. How are you handling all these expectations after the big win against UT?

Saban: Our fans are passionate, and that’s a good thing, but they’re not at practice every day. They’re not sweating, they’re not getting their (expletive) chewed off, aight?

“I’d never kiss Phil Fulmer.”

I try to tell them we barely beat Houston, and they didn’t even play Matt Schaub and DeMeco Ryans. They get all caught up in beating the Vols. Who cares? That’s like putting the dang PlayStation3 on retard level, aight? I asked Kevin after the game if Chavis emailed him the formations, and Kevin just shrugged. Said somethin’ like, “Did you SEE the shirtless picture of me and Wavy during the broadcast? Did you see his hat? I told him I’d not give Lincoln Financial that picture if he’d give me inside information.”

“Dummy.”

3SIB: Les Miles and his Tigers are up next for you guys. How are you going to beat a team with that much talent?

Saban: Well, that’s a good question. We got two things goin’ for us, aight: First of all, Les Miles is coaching them. And, secondly, Les Miles is coaching them. I don’t know what their dang problem is down there, anyway. What do they expect from me? I had a chance to leave corndogs and swampland for South Beach, aight?? And now, I’m coaching at a place with more tradition in its big toe than some school with a “loud stadium.” Whoop-dee-freakin’-doo. Screw ‘em. I could buy that redneck town.

3SIB: We have time for one more question, Nick: How do you get your hair to stay that way?

Saban: The semen of grizzly bears that I kill with my bare hands in the offseason. Now, I’ve got a date with black coffee and the film room.

Arkansas coach Houston Nutt

3SIB: So, Coach Nutt, I know it’s been a tumultuous season for you. How has it affected you personally.

Nutt: Well, Ghost, I cry a lot. I do. I’m just a big ol’ teddy bear. When they fly them banners over the stadium, I just tear up. I never thought I wish they’d nuke my home state, but these guys are relentless. You’d think they’d mattered before.

“Well, Slim, it was this or the trip to Branson.”

3SIB: Are you saying that Arkansas has never mattered before? They’ve got a pretty rich history, right?

Nutt: It’s all right, but they have to realize here that every time you have a blue-light special at Wal-Mart doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to buy you a recruit. It’s hard to sell them on STAYING in Arkansas. Heck, they grew up here.

Erskin thought it’d be nice to bring out the Sunday dress for the Arkansas game

3SIB: How much do you think the whole text message fiasco played into the disgruntlement of the fans?

Nutt: It had a dang whole lot to do with it. People think I could have actually cheated on Diana with her? I ain’t Don Juan de Suave. I got all sweaty just punchin’ letters on my cellphone.

3SIB: By the rules of the interview, we’re down to one question, coach: What will it take for Darren McFadden to stick around for his senior year?

Nutt: A whole lot more than a souped up Crown Vic, I can tell you that. And maybe a quarterback. And a couple million dollar bills.

Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville

3SIB: Let’s go ahead and get it out of the way, Tommy, so we can move on to Auburn. What are the chances you go to Texas A&M? Be honest.

Tuberville: That’s a place where some coaches go to die, and I’ve got it pretty darn good down here at Auburn. I haven’t even spoken with them, and I hear all that stuff about being the No. 1 choice and all that, but I try not to pay attention to that. I’ve got it good here.

3SIB: What about the Bammer fans’ belief that you don’t want to recruit against Nick Saban?

Tuberville: (Laughs heartily) That’s rich. Listen, we haven’t made a habit of getting too many of the five-star kids ol’ Nicky is going after, anyway. We locked down Mobile last year. They’re probably gonna get two of the top three down there this year. And it’s not going to be my problem next year … um, I mean, It’s cyclical. We’re certainly not going to base what we do on Nick.”

3SIB: Is that a trickle of pee running down your leg, Tommy? And did I just hear you say it wasn’t going to be your problem next year? Why exactly is that?

Tuberville: What are you talking about???

Them boys at Alabama are fearing the other hand. When they beat us, they can start talking about their process.

3SIB: Elegant subject change, but we’ll let it slide. It looks like you’re sweating a little, Ears, er, Tommy. We won’t even discuss the Mississippi State game, but I have to ask you about that ending at LSU. How heartbreaking was that?

Tuberville: Heartbreaking? We were probably two touchdowns worse than those guys. We played our guts out. The only thing “heartbreaking” about it was that Les Miles got lauded for managing the game clock like a blind invalid and gets credit for the best pass of the football season by a mediocre quarterback.

And we’re still gonna beat Bama.

Florida coach Urban Meyer

3SIB: So, Urb, I have to ask you: What’s this recruiting ploy about screaming out a player’s name on their official visit like you did with Will Hill? Then they commit. I don’t understand. Is this some homoerotic fraternity initiation?

Meyer: (Staring deeply into my eyes) GHOST OF NEYLAND! GHOST OF NEYLAND! GHOST OF NEYLAND!

3SIB: Ya know, I just don’t want to play for Florida anymore than I did.

Meyer: How bout if I flash you my ring?

3SIB: Oh yeah … That’s nice … Wait a minute? No! Go Big Orange! Go Big Orange! Nearly had me there, Urb. You’re a handsome man. Let’s move on: Tebow is banged up in general, right?

Meyer: Timmy is fine. He’s already laid his hands on himself, and I have faith that he’s cured. I believe.

3SIB: Doesn’t that kind of conflict on Tebow’s spiritual beliefs? Wouldn’t he be irritated if he heard you say that?

Meyer: Listen, I know Tebow’s a good Christian boy. But I worship at the Throne of Tebow. How many other mortal quarterbacks have you ever seen who can run the ball 30 times a game and be ready next week?

3SIB: Before you get struck by lightning, final question: What’s with all this crying after losing? And the players kissing each other? We’re a little worried. That’s the gayest thing we’ve ever seen at 3SIB, not that there’s anything wrong with that or anything (clearing throat)?

Meyer: (starting to moisten up) Quit picking on me!! What, what’s wrong with crying? And you’re looking pretty sexy. I like the big boys. …

3SIB: Leave. Now.

Georgia coach Mark Richt

… But only after the second Saturday of October

3SIB: Mark, good to have you. First of all, you’ve got to tell us about the celebration last week against Florida.

Richt: It’s funny, stomping on the ‘V’ at Vanderbilt irritated me, but when I went out there, I sort of unleashed my inner Knowshon Moreno. So, I said, the heck with it. We’ll send the whole team to celebrate when we score. Class hasn’t been getting me anywhere, anyway.

3SIB: Now, you’re ranked No. 10 in the country just weeks after getting pummeled by Tennessee. How do you explain that?

Richt: It’s just been that kind of season, I guess. We’ve been a late bloomer the past few years, so we’ll try to keep it going. Guess I’ve got friends in high places. Cameoing in a Christian movie will do that for ya.

If you haven’t seen it, see it. Seriously.

3SIB: I guess so. But you’ve also got a quarterback who’s been to several low places this season. Do you regret making the comment about him having the ability to be the best quarterback you’ve ever coached?

Richt: He’s playing great now, right? This week, anyway. Well, I do believe I’ve put a lot of pressure on a kid who spends his nights drinking Guinness from a jar and getting raunchy with Mississippi girls beside Knowshon instead of watching film. But the kid’s got a cannon. You just don’t always know where he’s shooting it. And, yes, I’m talking about football.

3SIB: One thing that’s inexplicable to me is that Phillip Fulmer has outcoached you in three of the past four years. How does that happen?

Richt: I don’t know. Before last weekend, I just thought he’d gotten so old he mistook our red jerseys for crimson, but now I’m not so sure.

3SIB: You’ve got some difficult decisions coming up, as do some other coaches in this league. What are you going to do about Willie Martinez?

Richt: At least he’s legal. (Sighs) Well, given the situation in Atlanta, it looks like Brian Van Gorder is going to be available.

Kentucky coach Rich Brooks

3SIB: You guys were moving right along there, and then a loss to Mississippi State. What happened?

Brooks: I couldn’t find my blessed bifocals. I didn’t even see the game. If I didn’t see it, it doesn’t count, right?

3SIB: Anyway, we’re frankly flabbergasted here, Rich. I mean, what a turnaround! What do you credit the program 180?

Brooks: Well, I started using these little blue pills, and all of a sudden, me and Mrs …

3SIB: RICH! RICH! I’m talking about the football season. Why has your TEAM been so good this year?

New meaning to the words, “Big Blue.”

Brooks: Well, I just think we got a lot of confidence during that Louisville game, and then those goshdang whippersnappers just started playin’ some good football. After that, we started eating Tapioca pudding for the pregame meal, and now they’re all playing shuffleboard and doing the Polka. We’re just closer as a football team.

Now, Rich, don’t make that face at Sly!

3SIB: Sounds interesting. Well, so much has been made about Randy Sanders’ tutelage of Andre Woodson. What’s the deal with Sanders?

Brooks: We’ve done a pretty good job of hooking up with Tennessee’s sloppy seconds and proving they’ve still got a little gas in the tank. Mitch Barnhart has done a fine job as athletic director - he hired me, didn’t he? And Randy has simply been fantastic. As long as he’s not calling plays, we’ll keep him. Heck, we’ve got a guy named Joker calling plays over him, if that gives you any ideas about his abilities.

3SIB: You’ve lost 23 consecutive games to Tennessee, your biggest in-conference rival, but you’ve got to feel pretty good about this year, right?

Brooks: The only thing I feel good about is getting into bed by 8 right after Murder She Wrote and Matlock. But I think if UT can make Alabama’s offense look like the Patriots, we’ll be OK.

LSU coach Les Miles

3SIB: Ah, Coach Miles. After last time, we just hope you can keep your language clean. Think you can do that?

Miles: (Expletive) A, right, I can. Oops! Sorry.

The 20th Century had Einstein

3SIB: That’s the only slip you get, Les. Well, much has been made of your ballsy decisions this year. Have you ever thought about playing more conservatively with the game on the line?

Miles: Not at all. When you’ve got the athletes I do, ones who are superior to nearly everybody that you play, you have to let them win football games.

3SIB: Wow. That’s actually an intelligent answer.

Miles: Contrary to popular belief, Ghost, I actually graduated from a prestigious online university, which puts me on the same education level as most of my players. Plus, I do what the voices under my hat tell me to do.

3SIB: Don’t those voices come from the headset you have on?

Miles: Holy crap! I was wondering what that thing did! But no, it can’t be that. It doesn’t have any cords attached to it.

3SIB: (Exasperated) One more question, coach: Probably the biggest game of the season is coming up for your fans as you take on Nick Saban and the Crimson Tide. What are your feelings heading into the game?

Oh, it’s coming!

Miles: If we get behind, we’ll just get Ryan Perrilloux to invite his buddies, Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson.

Mississippi coach Ed Orgeron

3SIB: (Sighing deeply) Coach O, we’ve enjoyed these past three years, and we here at 3SIB have really liked getting to know you, but do you not feel you’re on thin ice?

Orgeron: Well, aw, done know bow dat, um dere a lotta season leff, ya know? Lotta footbaw be played and dee um recruit down and um, boobies in Grove an’ um me an afletic direckter know footbaw ver impawtant.

This is where Eddie is sitting every day

3SIB: Whoa, whoa. Speak slowly, Coach O, we can’t understand you. Can you talk about the monumental disaster that is Brent Schaeffer?

Orgeron: Speek sloh. Well. Dat. Shaeffah dum move. Fast grease lightnin. Thought. Yaw. Yaw. Yaw. Done know wad to say. Bad move.

3SIB: JEEZ!! Next question. Let’s try something easy. What’s 2 plus 2??

Orgeron: Um, footbaw??

Unfortunately for Ole Miss fans, P Willie is not walking through that door.

3SIB: For cryin’ out loud, how many points are you awarded for a touchdown?

Orgeron: Dat easy! Jevaw Sneedah!!

3SIB: Thankfully, our time has grown short with you coach, much like your time as a coach.

The Great Hope

Mississippi State coach Sylvester Croom

3SIB: Coach Croom, you’re really beginning to see some wins mounting after beating Auburn and Kentucky this year and Bama last year. Is it finally getting rewarding to you?

Croom: We’re definitely seein’ the fruits of our labors, but it’s hard to say it’s “rewardin’” when you live in Starkville.

3SIB: Wesley Carroll has been great for you guys this year. Did you ever see him factoring into the offense as much as he has this year?

Croom: Naw, man. Naw. You seen that kid? He looks like a skateboardin’ soccer player. We an odd couple, for sure. Look like Ebony and Ivory bringin’ MSU from the scrap pile to the adult table.

3SIB: What’s the key to beating Kentucky, Sly?

Croom: Roll a basketball to the 50. They just a bunch of Tayshaun wannabes.

3SIB: What have you done to get the attention of your guys? They just seem to be getting better all year.

Croom: Well, I ain’t cuttin’ the swingers off a bull like Coach Sherrill used to do if that’s what you’re asking. Just tell ‘em to keep their noses clean and keep em away from the girls during the week, which ain’t too hard. You seen the Starkville girls, right?

South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier

3SIB: Well, Steve, same question as with Richt: What do you have to say about Fulmer beating you three out of four times?

Spurrier: (smirking) Well, when ol’ Philly beats ya like ‘at, it may be gettin’ time to git out.

3SIB: It’s all over the message boards that Chris Smelley told you during the first half of the UT game that he was nervous and wanted out. Is this true?

Spurrier: Yeah, ol’ Chrissy got skeered, even peed a little. Hard to believe with that relentless Vol pass rush (rolling his eyes). Guess he just didn’t feel like shootin’ fish in a barrel against that secondary.

3SIB: What do you make of this SEC season so far?

Spurrier: It’s just crazy. Two of the biggest idiot coaches in the country are in the driver’s seat to git to Atlanta. And I lost to both of ‘em. It’s enough to make ye wanna go down to Augusta National and forgit ‘bout coachin’ altogether.

Heaven

3SIB: If there’s one thing SC always seems to have, it’s a terrific secondary, and you have that again this season. How much easier does that make calling plays on defense?

Spurrier: What’s defense? Can I be honest with ye? I got two quarterbacks that play like they’re in a midget basketball league. I’m in offense hell.

Tennessee coach Phillip Fulmer

Thank goodness for Weis and Mangino

3SIB: Ah, coach Fulmer, the Dean of Mediocrity. We meet again. So, let’s first talk about that timeout you used to “ice” Ryan Succop during Saturday’s miracle win against SC.

Fulmer: Obviously, we were working like heck to get him to miss the dang thing. I just really didn’t have any confidence in our offense to tell you the truth. And I needed to order a milkshake.

3SIB: There have been a lot of rumors about your possible exit at the end of this season. Do you feel any pressure from UT fans?

Fulmer: When your best friend is your university’s biggest booster, you sleep a little easier, I’ll tell you that. But I figure if we keep on winning nine games every year, then we’ll be OK.

Is that Thunder I hear?

3SIB: But isn’t that mediocrity, coach?

Fulmer: I’ll have to watch the film.

3SIB: Uh, that doesn’t even make sense. Can’t you just answer our questions? Nevermind. You guys controlled your own destiny going into the Bama game and laid a huge egg. Could you not motivate your guys to perform in the biggest game with the biggest stakes this season?

Fulmer: Steaks??!! Where? Oh, you said stakes. I gotcha. Well, we’ve had five defensive backs lost to either injury, academics or disciplinary issues in the past year and a half, so we just are what we are back there. We’re working like heck to get better. That, and John Chavis couldn’t coach his way out of a wet paper sack.

3SIB: We here at the blogsite, like everybody in the country, have noticed that you use the phrase, “Work like heck,” more than is healthy for one human being. Why has that become your new it phrase?

Fulmer: Obviously, I’m working like heck to quit saying that.

3SIB: (sigh)

Vanderbilt coach Bobby Johnson

Just a wild and cuh-razy guy

3SIB: Congratulations on a strong season so far, coach. I know that it was Earl Bennett’s quote at media days that it wasn’t just Vandy’s goal to make a bowl game, but a BCS bowl game. Does that make this season a disappointment or a success?

Johnson: Well, we had to remind Earl where he was. At Vanderbilt, a “bowl” is something a surgeon puts a heart into during a transplant. We’re just happy to have a chance to get bowl-eligible.

3SIB: Has anybody ever told you that you look like Steve Martin?

Johnson: Funny, I’ve never heard that before.

3SIB: I sense the sarcasm. Well, I mean, you’re Vanderbilt’s coach. I’m struggling to find questions to ask you. I only have a GED, you know. You’ve already surprised South Carolina this season. What do you think the chances are that you beat Tennessee or Florida?

Johnson: I made a bet with the guys that if they beat one of those teams, I’d say a curse word. As many wind sprints as I make the guys run for cussing, I told them I’d go all Dice-Clay on them if we won.

3SIB: What would it mean for the Vanderbilt program to play in the SEC Championship Game?

Johnson: A lot of things still have to happen for that to happen, but it’s not out of the realm of possibility. I think if that happened, I’d call all of my loved ones and tell them how much they mean to me because at that point, I believe it can’t be long until Gabriel puts his lips on the trumpet.

Ghost of Neyland