I have this theory on what could happen to Auburn in the next couple weeks. It’s going to sound crazy I admit. But let me tell you something. Britney Spears’ new album Blackout has sold a few hundred thousand copies. Do you know what that means? There are hundreds of thousands of people who didn’t just download the album to avoid the embarrassment of someone witnessing them purchasing a Britney Spears album. Wrap your mind around that for a few seconds and then realize that short of me telling you that Tuberville is going to give birth at halftime to a kid who will then proceed to score the winning touchdown, nothing I’m about to say could possibly make less sense than anything related to Britney right now.

Before I get to the theory, let me go ahead and address what will be the oncoming waves of unwashed Auburn fans. You might have figured out from my screen name that I’m an Alabama fan. Then again, if you’ve ever played running back for Auburn you probably didn’t. Of course if that’s the case, whoever is reading this to you can explain it. The very first time I heard the rumor that Tuberville might consider the Texas A&M job (and that was last year), I heard a cacophony of Tiger fans saying that I would just love to have Tubs leave. Not true. I want him to stay because the Iron Bowl more than any other rivalry is cyclical and the smug Mr. Tuberville has reached his zenith. Recently however, I realized that if he does leave, I win that way too. Of all the years to be in a coaching search, this is not the one. Auburn is not a third-rate program. In fact, given current circumstances, they have a good chance of being the second best program to work for behind LSU in this year’s current coaching search, assuming Michigan succeeds in hiring Miles. The problem for Auburn is that they could get to the game late. If they don’t even have a job opening until after the other big boys have hired all the talent, it could be a scramble. Keep him or go through the stress of a coaching search, my inner sadist is satisfied.

So my theory…Auburn currently stands at a disappointing 7-4. The usual segment of angry fans is hoping Tubs leaves. This is a small margin because the remaining segment of, well, angry fans doesn’t care about the first 11 games as long as he beats Alabama. Fail that, and it will be a pretty unified fanbase. Win or lose, however, Auburn can’t fire him and he can’t leave without the jilted party receiving 6 million dollars. Ridiculous theories aside, there should be no doubt in anyone’s mind that while Tubs is saying the matter isn’t worth discussing, Jimmy Sexton has some Aggie booster in his ear. So what happens if Tubs goes 7-5, losing to the Tide? He stands to lose a fair amount of appeal. Auburn will want to be rid of him, and Texas A&M certainly isn’t going to want to pay 6 million dollars to get the same record they are firing. Unless…

The real fun begins after the game. Because Ohio State and Michigan play their last game this weekend, the world will know that Michigan is hiring, probably Les Miles. Which means LSU is open (and Tubs has been rumored here, too). Nebraska is looking for a coach. Arkansas will be looking for a coach. Ole Miss will probably be looking for a coach. And of course Texas A&M is not even denying interest in taking your man. And you have a nice little price tag on him that says he can be all theirs for only six million dollars. But what if Texas A&M doesn’t want to pay six million but they offer him a bigger contract than you do? Can the AD at Auburn actually save face if he offers Tubs a massive pay raise and extension after he goes 7-5 and loses to his two biggest rivals? If you give him four million dollars and a five year extension, that six million you thought you were saving by not firing him is now paid to him anyway over the length of his new contract which you didn’t really want to give him in the first place. What could be worse than that, however is if you get into a price negotiation with Texas A&M. They can afford to drag it out, because ultimately that $6 million is money they saved by not having to pay Fran his full buyout. If they have to pay it they will. Time is on their side. But you, my mascot-confused friend, you do not have that luxury, because the longer you wait, the more the above programs start snatching up all the coaches that are too afraid to wait to see what happens with your job. Don’t think it’s true? Ask Mal Moore. Alabama is happy with Nick Saban, but we got him because Butch Davis got scared and signed his contract with UNC. So Auburn starts to panic and they agree in principle to let Tuberville go for $2 million just so they can get the coaching search going in earnest and hope every other program in the country hasn’t re-upped their guys before you can get to them.
So now let’s go back to Tuberville’s agent, Jimmy Sexton. What if that booster in Sexton’s ear is saying, “Look, Jimmy, six million dollars on top of a 3.8 million dollar contract is pretty pricey. Especially considering he’s not going to get nearly that if he stays at Auburn. He’s already on fairly thin ice over there, but they know 6 mil is a lot of money, too. What if your man happens to lose that 5th game? Auburn won’t fire him, but perhaps they would work with us a little bit on that sticker price to take him off their hands…and maybe if we aren’t paying so much in moving expenses, well maybe we could push a little more cash in Tommy’s direction…maybe get him a bit over that 4 mil mark. Not that there’s anything magical about that number. We’re just chatting, you understand.”

Of course, it’s not necessary for him to throw the game. I’m just putting that out there to plant the seed for when Auburn is up by two deep in their own territory, and go three and out by trying to pass downfield on all three downs, and then Tubs elects to punt to Javier Arenas. That kind of a decision will make you remember this blog.

Now, let’s open the floor to all the Auburn folks (and Anti-Tide fans) who want to insist the only way Bama wins is if Tubs throws the game. He’s your man, guys. Have more faith in his loyalty than that.