So your job has relocated you and your family to the Southeast.  Or you just found out your girlfriend’s father is something called a “booster.”  Perhaps you just like the way you look in a number “15″ jersey.  In any case, you’ve recently found college football, and as they say, it’s time to act like you’ve been there before.  We here at Third Saturday hear your ignorant pleas and are more than willing to give you an assist (that’s basketball, not football…and maybe hockey.  I don’t know.  Stay focused).  Below, you will find a list of phrases that you absolutely must know and be able to use if you are to survive this fall.  Football is not for the weak of heart…or stomach depending on where you “tailgate.”  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Let’s start simple.

Offense - your team is said to be on offense when it possesses the ball and is trying to score.  (ed. note:  this does not apply to fans of Michigan or Notre Dame.)

Defense - when your opponent has the ball, your team is said to be on defense.  The defense is trying to prevent the offense from scoring.  This is not to be confused with “self-defense” which is required when playing against the Auburn offensive line.

Quarterback - this is the player responsible for managing the offense.  He has the option to throw the ball, hand it to a running back, or run with the ball himself.  Though it is a noun, it can sometimes be used as a verb, such as, “He quarterbacked the offense on yet another scoring drive.”  (ed. note:  in Gainesville, this term has been deprecated in favor of the more popular word, “Tebow.”  Verb rules still apply.)

Spread Offense - your team runs this offense.  It doesn’t matter how they actually play.  This is what it is called.  Also, if your team just hired a new offensive coordinator or an offensive-minded head coach, he played a significant role in the development of the spread offense.  It is considered acceptable to claim he invented the offense.  Why not.  Everyone else is.

West Coast Offense - This is what your offense used to be called.  It’s a lot like the spread offense, except the offensive players had a better chance of being drafted.

Booster - also known as “a friend of the program,” these are rich people with a fondness for healthy young men and are willing to pay exhorbitant amounts of money to have access to them.  I’d like to say it’s not as sleazy as it sounds, but that would be a lie.

Tailgating - a pre-game event for fans outside the stadium.  Much like a family gathering involving lots of food, fellowship, and matching t-shirts.  Also like a  family gathering, there is a lot of heavy drinking starting early in the morning culminating in shouting insults at strangers passing by.

Hail Mary - This is a long, desperation pass thrown at the end of the game.  The name comes from the idea that you are throwing up a “prayer,” but might also reference the fact that if your team is attempting this, you are probably leaving the stadium with your head bowed in silence.

1983 - According to Tennessee and Auburn fans, this is the year college football began.

12 - For Bama fans, this is the number of mythical national championships won by Alabama, the jersey number for Paul W. Bryant, Joe Namath, Kenny Stabler, and Brodie Croyle, as well as the name of an upscale restaurant in Tuscaloosa.  In Hebrew, it’s also a perfect number symbolizing completeness.  Do not suggest to an Alabama fan that their national championships are completed.

Mythical National Championship (MNC) - formerly known simply as the “National Championship,” the additional word “Mythical” was added as a bitter reminder that the top division in college football still does not have a playoff, meaning the true best team is not necessarily the champion.  If a playoff system is adopted, new adjectives will be required to describe the bitterness of the best team not necessarily winning.

Okay, pop quiz.  In the picture below of a family playing football presumably during a tailgate, identify four errors:

1) Mom’s jeans are full length.  They should be cut off well above the knee.  Well above.

2) The youngest son is using his heel to kick Dad in the groin.  Use your toes, Timmy.  Your toes.

3) Dad is smiling, yet no one is bleeding.

4) Did you notice the New Balance on the older son?  Me either.

If you got all four of those correct, congratulations!  You are now ready for football season.  May God have mercy on your soul.